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If you look around, you'll find instruction manuals for everything, tips for how to do anything, and the key to all successes.

They tend to look like this:
"How to stay organized"
Do these 50 things to a happy life...
10 steps to a better you:
20 exercises to the perfect body!

All of that sounds exhausting! Putting my life into a box. Following checklist after checklist feels like a daunting and impossible task. Defining perfection by the standards I see on Facebook and Pinterest. I ask you, what happens when I've done ALL of these tasks and yet...and yet I still have chaos in my life, I sometimes feel sad, I'm not always my best me, and I still have a little extra 'me' to love? What happens when I've checked EVERYTHING off the list and there's still something not right?!

I'm defeated.

I too often get caught up in my lacking. Wasting away in the "but they's, should have's, could have's, and if only's"

Where is the freedom in that?

But "Christ has set us free"

In Psalm 139 we are told of our intricate being. Each of us knit together individually; uniquely. We are created wonderfully, without blemish. I find comfort in knowing I was made as I am. What can be looked at as my shortcomings, failures, and blemishes are part of my who I am created as.

I am imperfect - which is His perfection.

If I take the time and effort, because I know full-well it doesn't come naturally, to recognize my "weakness" as my strength, I may get a glimpse of freedom.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV)

Your Father created you as His jar of clay; His imperfect vessel. When you are connected to the vine, your weakness is a testimony to God's grace and power.

I pray that I (that we) rest in this. I pray that when Satan tempts my heart to compare myself to others and lays the feeling of defeat over me, that I find rest in knowing I am created, chosen, and loved beyond measure. You are too.

-bestillandsmile

Slow and Steady

As I read on in my book, of course it helps me begin to answer my previous questioning; "What does surrendering look like?"

In my journey to grow closer and more intimate with my Abba, I think back to beginning my relationship with my now fiancé. At the beginning of our relationship I cautioned Matt telling him that I need to take things slowly; as to not get overwhelmed or scared in my true fashion. He lovingly accepted this in me and we ventured on slowly. Then I realized all too suddenly that I was completely in love with this amazing man. As we had aired in caution, God was moving our hearts toward each other and molding us together. Before we knew it the slow and steadiness I thought I needed was not as important, I just knew I loved him and that was enough.

I think we learn a lot about God in all He has created. In the nature around us and the people in our lives. I find similarity in my relationship with Matt and my journey as I draw near to intimacy with God. I have found that as I bask in each revelation and concept being placed on my heart, I find that I need to be still and rest in that place for some time. I feel that as I slow down and not rush into things, even with my Abba, I get to experience the love He has for me in an abundant way. I get to really experience Him. I also find He is keeping me encouraged in the little steps we are taking. I can feel myself, quite like my experience with Matt, slowly yet all at once deepening my love with God.

Maybe that's what a small part of surrendering looks like.

-bestillandsmile

Surrender?

"We must allow the Holy Spirit to kindle our fire for Jesus Christ."

I like to understand things. Im learning that when I hear new concepts, my first thought is a question; "How do I do this?" or "What does that look like?"

This morning I was reading from a book about our fire for Jesus in the midst of our pain. The concept was introduced of allowing, even inviting the Holy Spirit to kindle our fire for Jesus as we walk in the pain of this world. As I read I immediately questioned, "How do I allow the Holy Spirit to kindle my fire for Jesus?" That question was quickly answered as I read further.

"Surrender"

In my true fashion, I met that with yet another question that I find myself still pondering.

"What does complete surrender look like?"

So I ask, what does complete surrender look like to you?

-bestillandsmile

This Heart of Mine

This year I decided that I was going to live fearlessly. I want to embrace life for all that it has to offer; not cowering in the corner or watching from the sidelines. However, being fearless does not mean to be careless; I've been plenty careless with my heart to know the difference. I've thrown it around enough to have acquired some bumps and bruises along the way. 

We are told in Proverbs 4:23 to guard our hearts for it guides our life. Guard your heart. The first image that popped into my head when thinking of guarding my heart was Frodo guarding the precious ring. 

Frodo vowed to protect the ring, risking everything to ensure its safety. Imagine if we protected our hearts the way he guarded the ring. He protected the ring from Sauron, from Gollum, from his friends, and from himself. From himself. You see, sometimes we have to protect our hearts from ourselves. We easily get impatient and frustrated, causing us to rush into things and act carelessly. Protecting our hearts means that we have to wait. We have to stop listening to what the world is saying and start listening to what God is saying. 

I am impatient. I want all the good stuff, and yes, I want it now. But, that's not how it works. God's written this beautiful life for me, and I have to read it page by page; taking it day by day. Jeremiah 29:11 promises us that God has plans for our lives, plans that are good, one's that will give us hope. Guarding my heart means that I have to have faith in that.

bestillandsmile

Happy New Year!

2012...

The past year has been one for the books. It has been a year of change and a year of growth. I have found new strength in myself and confidence in the plans God has for me.  

Last night as we were out for dinner, talking about the thing we were most thankful for in the year 2012. My first reaction, and a true one, was getting my internship. However, as excited as I am for the experience to come through this, I thought more about it, and I am most thankful for what I've learned about myself in the past year. We live in a life of uncertainty and change. I am constantly changing, as are the people and the world around me; and I love that. I've learned to rely less on verification through other people and more on faith in who I am and who God is making me. 

And as for 2013...

There are a lot of 'lasts' this year will bring, but I can't even explain to you how pumped I am for the 'firsts' that are headed my way.

It's Not Just Turkey and Pilgrims (Day 22)

Today (November 22), I am thankful for the life I have been blessed with.

I wish I had the words that could adequately describe to you how blessed I feel. Today is a day we set aside for our family, food, and time to just reflect on all that we are thankful for. That in itself is a blessing. 

A few things I am feeling especially thankful for today...

My family (those related by blood and those related by heart) that I like to call home

My dad who gives the best hugs and most heartfelt 'I love you's'

My little sister who is becoming a dear friend

My brother who I miss, but am incredibly proud of

His sweet girlfriend who we all love

Three best friends that witness my tears, my laughter, my anger and still love me

Two jobs that help pay the bills, but even more, that I enjoy working at

A school where I can grow and learn not only academically, but personally, relationally, and spiritually

The delicious food my family spent the day making (and the time spent together making it)

A God who has my heart, who will never leave me nor forsake me, who loves me for everything I was, am, and will be, and who I can find refuge and peace in when this blessing-of-a-life becomes hard to handle

I could go on for days.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope your day is full of love and thanksgiving!

God is good.

bestillandsmile

It's Not Just Turkey and Pilgrims (Day 21)

Today (November 21), I am thankful for home.

This break, being able to spend a couple of days at home, has been such a blessing and so needed. It's been great getting to catch up with friends from high school, have lunch with my aunt, curl up next to my dog, have life chats with my dad, and bake pies with my sister. I forget sometimes how much I enjoy visits home.
Feeling incredibly blessed today.

God is good.

bestillandsmile